Meaning well is not enough – you also need followthrough.
There once was a fellow named Hal
Who was honest and good for morale.
But Hal always falls through.
Every time. So would you
Rely on this so-honest pal?
The underprivileged are expected to bear the burden of educating the privileged and also making them feel okay when they do harm. Here’s why that sucks and what we can do to make it suck less.
I walk up to greet my new neighbor
Who then runs me through with a saber.
I say, “Oops, my bad!
I’ll be fine; don’t be sad.”
And that’s called emotional labor.
- This is why consent doesn’t exist for disabled folks (h/t Danni for sharing)
“Package deal” is a technique to find peace out of dissonance when you feel regret or longing. “Duplicate jars” is a way to find out the truth when your mind is lying to you.
Sometimes, when I have been damaged,
I want to just toss out my baggage!
But I cannot release
One troublesome piece
Without getting rid of the whole package.
- package deal
- “A and B”
- duplicate jars
Our culture’s all brain and no soul,
No connection and too much control.
Philip Shepherd’s the man
With a radical plan:
Reconnecting our parts with the whole.
- The Story of a culture (e.g. Why should wearing a necktie make you feel respectable or competent?)
- independence is an illusion
- “The very idea that reality can be objectively known is dangerously seductive.” -Philip Shepherd
- the limitations of science as it is practiced in Western culture
- mechanistic worldview
- Freedom as disconnection
- The whole cannot be known, but it can be felt.
One of my favorite shortcuts
Is learning by having the guts
To try without fear
And so today we’re
Gonna teach you how to futz!
- How to futz in a safe sandbox
- Kitchen “common sense”
- Staying young
More detail (including live roleplay examples!) about the bulldozer/doormat pattern, in which one person dominates (often subconsciously) and one person submits (often subconsciously). Pace runs the bulldozer pattern and Kyeli runs the doormat pattern.
I’m bent on achieving a goal.
I’ll build up some steam, then I’ll roll.
But don’t be afraid;
If I am obeyed,
I won’t have to take your control.
A steamroller’s coming right at!
I’d better get down and lie flat.
I’m all out of steam,
So I’ll just join the team,
And turn myself into a mat.
- Moving, minimizing, and the mainstream
- Spiritual bypass
- You’ll run Bulldozer if you’re raised to be dominant; you’ll run Doormat if you’re raised to be submissive or to minimize. This roughly correlates with raised male vs. raised female in most cultures.
- Enneagram Threes and Eights often run Bulldozer, and Enneagram Fours, and Nines often run Doormat.
Shoutouts to my friend Bob McGarey for coining(?) “The Steamroller and the Doormat” which is where I probably got this terminology.
Kyeli and I were accosted by a creepy stalker recently, and so we want to talk about politeness, being a “nice girl,” placating, salespeople, creepers, and other folks who violate the social contract.
“Buy this vacuum from me ’cause it’s cheaper,”
Says the salesperson. Now go deeper:
We respond so politely
‘Cause rude is unsightly,
But then you’re polite to a creeper!
- the story of the creeper
- politeness as placating
- rape culture and gender roles
We’ve been throwing around terms like “the patriarchy” and “feminism” without ever explaining what we mean by them. Here’s an introduction to what feminism is (and isn’t!) and why we think it’s important.
It’s Feminism 101!
There’s plenty of work to be done,
But let’s start with equality
And a dash of frivolity
And hopefully you’ll learn a ton!
- the name “feminism”
- male privilege
- What is the patriarchy?
- What is rape culture?
- What is intersectionality?
- What Privilege Really Means (And Doesn’t Mean) – To Clear Up Your Doubts Once and For All
When we have a guest on the podcast, and the guest says something we disagree with, do you want us to interrupt or let it slide?
Each time I talk back to a guest,
I feel some internal unrest.
Is just keeping silent
Or am I just being a pest?
A spiritual bypass is when you focus on only the internal work to the exclusion of an external problem that needs to be addressed. Here’s what it looks like.
The Law of Three starts with fixation.
The second point is the negation.
The third transcends both,
If it’s actual growth,
But what if it’s minimization?
- anger vs. hate
- reconcile vs. wishy-washy
- spiritual bypass
- everyone means well… but for whom?
- “remember your compassion”
- Why I hate compassion
- why the founder of The Home Depot voted for Trump (an example of bridging)