After I posted about not buying the right car, I got several questions about checking in with Spirit. So here you go – answers!
How did I ask the question, “How about now?” How did I feel safe enough to risk hearing an answer I didn’t want to hear?
I didn’t, at first.
I didn’t ask, I didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t want to know I wasn’t going in the right direction.
I spent years wandering blindly on the wrong branch of the path. I’ve struggled with this since I left the religion of my family, when I was in my teens. I’ve always had sharp intuition – sometimes, frighteningly clear and spot-on. I’ve often sensed things being wrong or off – I’ve sensed that I was misaligned.
But I was stubborn. I was afraid. And I’ve ignored it time and again.
Always to disastrous results. Big surprise there.
I knew my ex wasn’t the right person for me about two months into our 13-year relationship. Time and again, I was pointed to leaving. Time and again, I stayed. I heard the “change direction!” message – sometimes whispered, sometimes like a bolt of lightning – and I ignored it. It was too hard, too scary, too unknown. I heard it with my heart, but ignored it with my head.
As time passed, the messages became more and more intense.
“Change direction!” cried Spirit, and I said no, and my partner raped me.
“Change direction!” cried Spirit, and I said no, and I lost my daughter.
“Change direction!” cried Spirit, and I said no, and I lost my uterus.
Do I think Spirit did these things to me because I disobeyed?
Spirit doesn’t resort to punishment.
Do I think, had I heeded the message and changed direction, I could have avoided these heartaches?
No. Is that surprising? It surprised me when I checked in and found that was the answer!
But! I do think I would have been better supported. I believe I would have healed faster. I believe I would have avoided the depths of despair I found myself in, because I would have stayed connected to Spirit instead of ripping out the cord to avoid hearing the message.
How did I feel safe enough to check in with Spirit again the night we walked away from the right car?
I didn’t, not really. I wanted that car. I wanted it bad.
But I saw Pace struggling with it. And I felt, when I stopped long enough to breathe, that something wasn’t right. So I heaved a great sigh, and said “Okay, tell me,” and immediately got a super-clear “something’s not right here” ping – which encouraged me to open up further and check in.
Arg! It sucked!
We, specifically our egos, get tied into getting what *we* want, and who cares what’s best or right or whatever?! To get a ping that I may be going in the wrong direction, especially so soon after checking in and feeling like I was going in the right direction, was super frustrating.
I help myself feel safe enough to risk hearing an answer I don’t want by keeping my communication with Spirit open when I’m not desperate.
Establishing a daily spiritual practice – even just 5-10 minutes a day, where you sit and breathe and connect with Spirit in whatever way feels right – gives me the strength and the desire to check in when I’m feeling unsure but stubborn. It’s like… if I talk to my best friend often, I feel like she knows me well enough – and knows my life and my situation and my emotional state well enough – to lean into her in a crisis.
Even though Spirit knows us well enough whether or not we ever check in, our human selves don’t believe it until *we* feel connected. And we can’t feel connected unless we talk (commune, connect, pray, whatevs) regularly. Building up that connection when I’m not in denial, when I’m not upset or hurt or feeling stuck, gives me a bridge to use when I am feeling off in some way.
So, what if I check in, if I ask “How about now?”, and I don’t get an answer?
I’ve found that usually to mean “Whatever, sweetie-pants. This one’s up to you.”
So then, I’ll pour over my choices and maybe even muscle test them (do you know muscle testing? it’s awesome!) and then do what I most want. Then, of course, I’ll check in along the way to see if things are still up to me, or if Spirit formed an opinion I need in on.
The one thing I have learned through all this, if there is just one thing, is this:
You are never alone.
No matter the hurt, no matter the darkness, no matter what. Spirit doesn’t abandon us. Spirit doesn’t leave us. Spirit doesn’t walk away or stop talking to us or ignore us or pack up her spirit-suitcase and move to Baltimore and never call or write.
Spirit is right here, with you – within you, with you, near you – every single moment. There’s never a tear shed that Spirit doesn’t catch or a broken heart Spirit doesn’t feel.
So when you’re feeling alone or scared, when you’re feeling stuck or resistant, when you’re feeling lost… breathe. Check in with Spirit – and know that, regardless, Spirit is right here.
Spirit is in and of us. We are Spirit and Spirit is we.
And we are loved.