My cousin Nicole passed away last Friday morning.
She went into the hospital three weeks ago to have a baby. She was sick. That plus complications in birth lead to her death. This means she left behind a newborn baby boy. She also left behind a nine-year-old daughter.
I saw Nicole last Christmas at our family party. She looked wonderful; she was in love and happy, and seemed better off than she ever had before. It’d been ten years since we’d last seen each other, and we spent a little time reconnecting. It was nice. Not epic, not like long-lost-friends or anything, but good.
And now she’s gone.
And I just can’t believe it.
And now, the memorial service is over, and we’re all going back to our regular lives, whatever that means.
I’m so sensitive. I barely knew her as an adult, and I’m crushed. I keep seeing the faces of her children when I close my eyes. I keep thinking about all my other cousins and family and people I love but rarely see. People who might not know how much I love them. People who I don’t even know how much I love them.
We’re funny fragile creatures.
And now I’m supposed to return to my life, but I’m scarred, scared, trembling.
Being an entrepreneur is one of the most important things in my life. This blog and my readers (that’s you) are on my top priority list. But I still haven’t learned how to work through a tragedy, how to keep going when my heart hurts so much, how to push through when I’m moving in a fog of sleep deprivation and sorrow.
This post is posting late. I haven’t queued anything up because I’ve been in shock for over a week now, since she went into ICU.
Lessons all over the place. I hope I can find them.