That’s all I can think about these days. I’m obsessed. I’m boring everyone ever because that’s all I can talk about. Well, that and faith, but that’s another post altogether (and you’ll be glad about that, I assure you).
I even talked about it on the Revolution Coffee House, during our weekly chat time. (I feel lucky that the Coffee House group doesn’t mind me prattling on about the issues swimming around in my head.)
It seems to be pretty unanimous that the best way to figure out what one wants to do with one’s life is to try lots of things and see what works and what doesn’t. And I’m down with that, but then I get stuck again – this time, on what do I want to try.
Sigh. Yes. I have become that person.
I’m stuck in a more general sense, though. I’m stuck in my head. See, I don’t live here, in my head, in the land of logic and reason. I’m an intuitive, heart-based, sensitive kind of girl. But after the trauma of this year, I seem to have retreated up into my head and am sitting here logic-ing and reasoning about everything.
It’s driving me batty.
But I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve tried meditating, but I wind up laying there thinking about the pros and cons of meditation. I’m not even kidding.
I’ve tried to try magick, but I’m too stuck in my brain for my usual ritual prompts to pull me down into my heart.
I’ve certainly talked it to death. Even I am getting sick of talking about it; I’m sure the people in my life are getting tired of hearing about it. I’m just going round in circles: what do I want to do? I want to have babies, but that’s out… what else? Um. Geez, I don’t know. What do I want to do? And then I think about it until my head hurts.
I’m not comfortable in my body right now, which is unsurprising given how head-based I am. I can’t get comfortable, physically, as my butt is still healing and I can’t sit very well or for very long. I’m sore a lot of the time, and it’s frustrating – so I don’t want to connect with my body.
I’m not comfortable in my heart right now, either. I try to drop down and open up, and I just can’t. It’s interesting (ha! see that reasoning, kicking in?!) – I’ve been in my head before, but my tricks for opening up usually worked.
Not this time.
So I keep thinking and logic-ing and reasoning. I can’t hear my intuition, I’m not getting those vital gut-feelings, I’m not even crying at sad movies.
I just sit here and reason with myself. And ask myself the same questions over and over. And I can’t hear the answers, because the answers are in my heart – and I’m not (can’t be?) listening to her right now.