2022
In keeping with my annual tradition (2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year. It’s been a hell of a year.
My favorite visual media was Centaurworld, with honorable mentions to Mr. Robot, 1899, Archive 81, Arcane, United States of Tara, and Murderville.
My favorite game was, of course, Elden Ring, with thought-provoking honorable mentions to Hyperbolica, The Forgotten City, A Bewitching Revolution, and Sethian.
The most interesting fiction book I read was Battle of the Linguist Mages.
In January, I went on my first and last date with N.
In February, Lupeta moved to Tacoma and we started seeing each other every Monday. I got her a cute little pink collar with a bell on it and a leash. She was such a good kitty.
In March, Amanda and Kelly came to visit for Kyeli’s birthday.
In April, I had a parathyroidectomy. Now I’m Nearly Headless Pace (;
In May, Kyeli and I took a break. She went to Beacon, NY for six months. I met Citadel System: Katie, Sara, Esriel, Tirion, Emily, and Rusty. (although at this point most of the inner map was still uncharted) Jasmine came to stay with me for a few days, during which I had a date with Lupeta, during which Jasmine made herself scarce. Afterward, Jasmine was pleased to notice how wobbly my legs were, and it gave me a taste of poly bliss. My mom got cancer and I went to Atlanta to take care of her.
In June, I became girlfriends with Katie and Sara. Kyeli asked me to break up with Katie and I said no. I watched Mr. Robot and sent M. oodles of screenshots. Mom died. Also, I got the best massage of my entire life.
In July, M. came to visit for a long weekend, which included All-Paramours Game Night: M., Citadel, Jasmine, and Lupeta. J. asked me out. Lupeta low-key broke up with me.
In August, Kyeli and I started couples counseling.
In September, Esriel and I were at WinCo and these two cuties came up to us and said to me, “I love your hair!” We exchanged Discord info and fucked (: I had A Very Gay Getaway with Citadel. Comply.
In October, I was transported into a rainbow tunnel. For my birthday, four incredibly lovely humans came over for a game night followed by an orgy. I met Mischa and Rose. (Well, I had met Mischa several months ago, but we hadn’t gotten together in person.) Mischa invited me to Temple of Aphrodite and I signed the fuck up. Jasmine and I celebrated our 1-year anniversary. Esriel and I went on our first date.
In November, Kyeli came back to Tacoma and we tried to see if things could work out between the new Pace and the new Kyeli. A consent-related event occurred. I went to Temple of Aphrodite and it was life-changingly transformative. “Unlock my desire,” I pledged to Aphrodite, “and I will follow it/You to the ends of the earth.” Well, She gave me what I asked for, and to hold up my end of the deal, I ended my romantic relationship with Kyeli. I also broke up with Jasmine and de-escalated with J. I experienced 5meodmt and became the conscious universe, co-creating toroidal time, a golden wave of delight flowing through every feeling being, always available to tune into. It was fucking hilarious.
In December, I went to Mischa’s birthday party, and it was like a mini-Temple. I had to keep pinching myself to be sure that this is my actual life. I went hot tubbing with Rose and Citadel. I fell in love with Rose and Mischa. We watched Mischa play Portal and touched each other all day in uncountably many lovely ways. Fae pounded the shit out of me to the drum track of Playing God by Polyphia. Tirion solidified. I spent time with my extended polycule; we had lots of deepening experiences under lots of less-than-ideal circumstances.
Last year I wrote, “I’m sure the coming year will hold lots more poly excitement, and I’m sure I’ll learn more about what I want and what I need. What I need to keep in mind is to respect myself, to hold healthy boundaries, and to not settle. And that’s why my word of the year for 2022 is lemonade.” That turned out to be pretty fuckin’ prescient.
This year, I became a Priestess of Aphrodite.
This year, I finally got in touch with what I want, and took drastic action to bring my life into alignment with it.
This year, I acquired an any-time horde of adoring fans who all think I’m awesome and all want to fuck me six ways from Sunday. It is deeply satisfying to know that sex and adoration are abundant. Achievement unlocked!
Next up: healthy, interdependent, equitable partnership(s).
In the coming year, I will dive headfirst into the ocean of Aphrodisiacal love and lust, not to lose myself but to find myself. As I dive, I will take with me:
- lemonade
- interdependence
- a towel
2021
In keeping with my annual tradition (2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve(ish) I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite video games of the year were Dyson Sphere Program, Inscryption, Journey to the Savage Planet, Children of Morta, and Anodyne 2, with Valheim taking the top spot.
My favorite shows of the year were Travelers, Manifest, Lupin, and The Umbrella Academy. (And, of course, Midsomer Murders, but that’s amazing every year.)
My favorite fiction books of the year were Project Hail Mary, Set My Heart to Five, and Rabbits, in that order. My favorite nonfiction book of the year was Polysecure.
I played Beat Saber all year long until December, when I started having technical issues. At the end of the year, I’m ranked 6500th and the hardest song I’ve passed is Hardware Store.
In January, we played a virtual escape room with Kelly and Amanda.
In February, I stopped playing League of Legends and I started playing piano.
In March, I played long-distance Zendo with Amanda and Emma. I joined a reading group for Marx’s Capital. And for Kyeli’s birthday we created a Star Trek virtual escape room, and our friends (Emma, Amanda, Kelly, and Heather) successfully escaped from it with many, many mangoes.
In April, I got diagnosed with sleep apnea and started sleeping with a CPAP machine. Kyeli and I got COVID vaccinated. I joined the Socialist Feminist group with Tacoma DSA. And Amanda and I started talking to each other every week.
In May, I organized a meatspace meetup in our neighborhood park for the Washington Queers discord, and we had our house completely repiped.
In June, Amanda came to visit. We had lots of poly conversations, which culminated in me starting to actively date. Emma came to visit, and Kyeli discovered that she’s grey-ace.
In July, I met W. and Jasmine, and we started talking a lot, flirting a lot, and becoming close. I joined Dru’s Runeterra campaign, the Fall of the Darkin. My character is Cherri (with a heart over the i), an obnoxiously cheerful yordle with an insatiable (but still cheerful) hunger underneath her skin. My Tacoma DSA reading group finished reading Capital. I had a date with R. and a date with A. and it was a one-off. Dru came to visit and we went on a family vacation to Valheim. We sailed out upon a Viking longship, which we built with our own hands and tools we forged ourselves. We sailed to the edge of the world. Kyeli said, “I think we should stop here”, but I advised, “Let’s just go out a teensy bit further so we can see what’s out there” whereupon the current took us, we fell off the waterfall at the edge of the world, and we all died. We became as gods to recover our items from our graves, which had also fallen off the edge of the world along with the wreckage of our longship.
In August, I released my first chiptune album, Sawblade Lizard Eye! I had a date with C., which was a one-off. I got stood up by C2 because he fell asleep watching The Lion King, then resilled with an emergency backup date with A2. I attended a La Resistencia rally to shut down the ICE detention center in Tacoma. I started dating D., P., and Jasmine. I befriended Bryanna.
In September, I became an HGO (Harassment and Grievance Officer) for Tacoma DSA. I decided to begin training to be a sex goddess. I had my second date with Jasmine, and my first (and only) date with W. Kyeli and I read Polysecure together and worked through a bunch of the exercises.
In October, Amanda came to visit and we had lots of poly conversations. Kyeli and I had a big fight and I took a leap of faith. I quarantined for a month so I could have a romantic week with Kyeli. We renovated our garage into a Love Shack! I took a self-defense class. On October 23rd, Jasmine and I explored downtown Tacoma and officially became girlfriends. Kyeli met Jasmine. On October 28th, I broke up with W. and it was heartbreaking.
In November, we had Jasmine over for game night, and we played Guillotine and Bohnanza. I started dating M. Kyeli and I got our COVID booster shots. We installed an external bathroom door so we can get from the Love Shack to the bathroom without going through the main area of the house. Kyeli and I went to Texas for her dad’s remembrance ceremony. Kyeli stayed in Texas, I came home and went on lots of dates with Jasmine and one with P.
In December, Jasmine and I explored Seattle and she stayed the night. Kyeli decided to come home early because of omicron. She set a deadline of her 47th birthday for turning her life around.
Throughout the first half of the year, we had monthly Flock masterhearts and social justice action hour. Throughout the whole year, I had virtual zikhr on Thursday nights.
This year, my word of the year was engage, and I did it. I started making friends, and then things really ramped up when I started dating. I make friends far more easily when I flirt. I’m sure the coming year will hold lots more poly excitement, and I’m sure I’ll learn more about what I want and what I need. What I need to keep in mind is to respect myself, to hold healthy boundaries, and to not settle. And that’s why my word of the year for 2022 is lemonade.
2020
In keeping with my annual tradition (2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite video game of 2020 was, hands-down, Astroneer. Kyeli and I had a blast playing it together, and we co-created amazing stories! Runner-up: Satisfactory. Honorable mentions: Dangonronpa, Crypt of the NecroDancer, Cattails, Elsinore, and Monster Train.
I didn’t read any books that deserve a best-of-the-year accolade. Honorable mentions: A Memory Called Empire, and The Outside by Ada Hoffmann.
I learned more about ADHD, capitalism, philosophy, and sociology.
I played Beat Saber all year long, except for a couple of months where I was doing a bunch of ridiculous things to get my Oculus Rift to work properly. At the end of the year, I was ranked 8200th and the hardest song I had passed was Sandstorm on Expert+.
In January, we were still living in Austin for the winter. I talked with Johnny B. Truant about gender stuff. I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my left hip. And we started our Tacoma house hunt!
In February, Kelly came to visit and I started having weekly calls with Emma, and I finished Spiritual Limericks!
In March, Kyeli and I flew to Tacoma while Bastion freaked his shit in the cat carrier. We moved into an apartment to serve as a house-hunting home base. Kyeli’s birthday passed without fanfare, because COVID-19 happened and everything went to shit.
In April, my company went virtual and I helped everyone learn how to do their work remotely. I started seeing a new therapist, Ayako Aizawa, but we turned out to not be a good fit. We made an offer on the Mondo Condo, but it didn’t work out. I started quilting on Fridays.
In May, we started playing weekly Terraria with Dru. Kyeli was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I started working on Limerick Quest, the sequel to Limerick Heist.
In June, we downgraded our Prius to a Honda Fit to save money. I joined Kelly and Emma’s weekly social justice action hour, which I’m still doing.
In July, we celebrated JYule, since we didn’t do anything for Yule in 2019. I fixed my SIBO with a low-FODMAP diet, which I’m still pretty much doing. We found our new house and made an offer! I tried out a couple of EMDR therapists before finding Heather Spreadborough, who is awesome. I worked with her through the rest of the year. And I started participating in a virtual Sufi circle!
In August, we closed on our new house! But we didn’t move in yet because we wanted to finish the renovations first. SGDQ was virtual but still awesome. I attended my first (virtual) DSA meeting! We had a Flock virtual masterheart. But really, most of what we did in August was play Astroneer.
In September, I drew a diagram that explained everything. Tony, who was supposed to be our contractor for all our home renovations, bailed on us at the last minute. We looked for replacement contractors, but they were WAY out of our price range and we freaked our shit. Amanda saved the day by offering to fly up and do a bunch of handyfiddling! So we hired some specialists for painting, A/C, the patio enclosure, and renovating the hall bathroom, and waited for Amanda for the rest. Last but not least, I finished Limerick Quest and submitted it to IFComp! But really, most of what I did in September was play Satisfactory.
In October, I finally got my Washington driver’s license! I celebrated my 43rd birthday. We went on a birthday journey, during which Kyeli drew the diagram of everything on my body and took the best nude photo of me ever. Kelly and Emma and I started our project to help out Rewiring America. Finally, some of the work-related COVID-related shittiness came to an end.
In November, we waited with bated breath and intense anxiety for the election results, and were relieved and grateful when they finally became clear. We finally moved into our house! Amanda came up for 10 days and did all the handyfiddly things! We had the patio enclosure built. As usual, we failed to do anything special for our 15th anniversary. We discovered that our shower had a leak and needed to be totally redone, so we took out yet another loan and redid it.
In December, the IFComp results were announced – I was stunned and thrilled that Limerick Quest took 4th place! Kyeli and I talked about being poly and having a dog. We found someone to grow stuff in our back garden next spring. Kyeli’s dad died. And I took a long vacation, during which I worked on the house, wrote a song called Space Dolphin, co-created a surprise to be revealed on Kyeli’s upcoming birthday, played Among Us with family, and played lots of League.
In summary, 2020 sucked. It was, for the most part, a year of getting by instead of a year of growth. But despite that, we bought a house, moved in, and fixed oodles of things that needed to be fixed. Despite that, I made significant progress rewiring my anxiety. Despite that, I managed to deepen close friendships as well as my relationship with Kyeli. Despite that, I completely changed everything I eat, learned to cook in an Instant Pot, and kicked my incipient diabetes into remission.
I’m killing myself by degrees
trying to push and to squeeze.
Embrace and adjust
a new way of trust,
beginning – and ending! – with ease.
2018
In keeping with my annual tradition (2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
Best Media of 2018
- Best Youtubers of 2018: Natalie Wynn, Ian Danskin, Mark Brown. Natalie and Ian helped me feel like I’m not alone in my political views. Kyeli and I coined the term “creepy lemon” because we didn’t know anyone whose views were similar to ours. Watching Natalie and Ian’s videos gives me hope. *fistbump* And Mark is doing the same for game design! Not only are we learning a ton and enjoying the heck out of it, but he cares and is making the world a better place.
- Best Visual Media of 2018: Elementary
- Musical Artist of 2018: Demoscene Time Machine
- Best Game of 2018: La-Mulana 2
- Games that inspired me because I enjoyed them and could actually potentially create graphics of that caliber: Darkside Detective, The Last Door, Dream Quest, earlier versions of Dicey Dungeons, and maybe even Minit
- Games that inspired me because they could have been great if they had fixed some design oversights: Dr. Doyle and the Mystery of the Cloche Hat, Shalnor Legends: Sacred Lands
- Game that inspires me to create a metroidvania without combat: Super Win the Game
- Game that proved that a procedurally generated metroidvania is possible: A Robot Named Fight
- Game that I did not like, but I finished anyway, making me realize what I sucker I am for a surreal mystery: Earthworms
- Other notable games I enjoyed: Horizon: Zero Dawn, Dark Souls III, Snake Pass, Yoku’s Island Express, Recursed, Rumu,
- Also played: Hand of Fate 2, A Hat in Time, Rabi-Ribi
My word of the year for 2018 was engage.
In January, Zoloft borrowed my soul. For six weeks, not only did I believe the universe was a meaningless uncaring void, but I believed I’d always felt that way.
In February, my tiny but indomitable internal bird pecked me back awake, and Zoloft returned my soul, none the worse for wear. I made peace with my dissatisfaction.
In March, we lived in Vancouver, WA, as a trial run to see if we wanted to live there. The Couv is just across the river from Portland, and way more affordable. We learned a lot about what we want to optimize for in terms of location, comfort, and friendships. We spent Kyeli’s birthday weekend on the coast and saw whales!
In April, we rejiggered our budget to optimize for the common case, and as a result, bought our new car, Lilith. We had a weekend journey with Amanda. Kyeli relearned that she can’t take the heat in Austin, so we removed Austin from our list of candidate forever homes.
In May, I was diagnosed with ADHD, started taking Adderall, and it immediately solved 70% of all the problems in my life. Kyeli went to Beacon, NY for the summer, to hang out with Kelly’s new baby. I started playtesting Dicey Dungeons.
In June, I joined Kyeli in Beacon for the summer. Being apart for two weeks was nice, but three was too long. We saw Hamilton on Broadway with Dru and a shady, secretive fourth person!
In July, we celebrated Kelly’s 40th birthday by masterhearting with Emma and Christine! I began indie game development (thank you, Terry, for inspiring me!) and started working on Compass Rose – I created puzzle #1. The Great Utensil Shenanigan began. Kyeli had a stroke migraine with aura. In therapy, we discussed how I can support Kyeli when she fragments, and I took too big a stick.
In August, I participated in my first game jam: Ludum Dare 42! I teamed up with Brandon and Sarah, started learning Unity, and together, over a weekend, we created Overencumbered! I loved Unity so much I rewrote Compass Rose from scratch. We decided to move to Seattle instead of Portland/the Couv, because the weather is cooler, and we want to optimize for the long term.
In September, I participated in my second game jam: GMTK(jam)! I teamed up with Jake, Chloe, and Vilinder, and together we created Youhou 01 ~ Eternal Piracy, Breezeless Sea! I got frustrated with tilesets, and decided to scale down Compass Rose to just a puzzle game instead of a puzzlevania. Julica and I repaired our friendship. Kyeli took the stick back.
In October, we started saving for retirement. Kelan visited, and we talked about systemic racism. We moved back to Austin as planned. I explored new ways to manage increased work stress. A coworker asked me a personal question, I answered truthfully, and they used it against me in a professional capacity. I created Compass Rose puzzle #2 of 4.
In November, we started helping Dru out with tuition, under more precise conditions. We asked ourselves, “Why wait to get a kitten?” and we acquired Bastion Hawthorne Weatherwax Smith, Esq.! We stopped podcasting. We decided to research the cost of living in Seattle, and the weather in more detail. We confirmed that the weather was indeed significantly cooler, and learned that the cost of living was prohibitively high anywhere reasonably close to Seattle proper. So we’re going to try Tacoma instead. Tacoma has Seattle weather, but at Couv prices. It’s LGBT-friendly, and it’s big enough to have everything we need and almost everything we want. We’re optimistic – and this time, our optimism is founded on some actual research! Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary with a double-wide weekend of sporkfoon excellence.
In December, I created Compass Rose puzzle #3 of 4. Amanda dyed my hair pink near the roots and purple at the edges, and it’s my favorite hair color combo ever! I played Pump It Up, and remembered how much I love the game. Brandon and I discussed future gamedev collaboration possibilities. We celebrated Yule with Dru. He beat me at chess, he crushed me at Smash, we discussed politics like adults and he didn’t just demur. It was awesome. Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary once again with our Probably-Final Cruise. We picked out the past year’s patterns with our minds, held its hard-won truths in our hearts, and let its subtle music sing silently to our souls. We cast our hopes for the next year as a net made of plans into a sea made of dreams.
In summary:
My goal for 2017 was to put down roots in Lansing and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because the culture was not a good fit.
My goal for 2018 was to put down roots in Austin and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because Austin is too hot for Kyeli. But even though the roots didn’t take, I did engage with my life!
Adderall increased my capacity and lowered my daunt. It lightened my depression and smoothed my anxiety, making it easier to take initiative, easier to connect, and easier to get up off the couch and do small self-care things for myself and small sweet things for Kyeli.
Instead of just going along for the ride in NY, I initiated a new hobby – indie video game development – that has now become a big part of my life.
Instead of just deferring to Kyeli, I suggest we not wait to get a kitten, and once we got Bastion, I moved we commit to keeping him. <3
Instead of just sticking with the Seattle plan or reverting to the Couv plan, we kept researching and found a potential win/win in Tacoma.
In addition to engaging with my life, 2018 was also a year of self-love and healthy boundaries.
In therapy this year, I unburied the shame I had internalized about being trans, and began belatedly healing it with self-love and compassion.
In couples, we worked on how to have healthy boundaries when we each have very different needs and very different abilities. Equality based not on how many to-do items we can accomplish, but on how many souls we each have. Complementary.
In 2019, my goal is exactly the same as it was in 2017 and 2018 – to put down roots and engage with my life – except this time in Tacoma. Since my intention is the same and only the location is changing, I’m choosing the same word of the year – engage.
Inshallah, this time it’ll take. (:
2017
In keeping with my annual tradition (2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My word of the year for 2017 was warm bread with butter on it.
In January, we went to a Sufi retreat, during which events transpired that caused Kyeli to distance herself from the path.
In February, my mom and brother came to visit. It was revealing, and great to reconnect with my brother whom I hadn’t seen for like 12 years.
In March, we went to Portland for Grandia Portlandia: Kyeli’s 40th birthday bash! It was spectacular.
In April, our beloved cat, Phineas Nix, died of lymphoma.
In May, we visited Kelly for her bachelorette party.
In June, Kelan visited and we talked about conformity, we merged our two podcasts into one, and we helped Kelly and Chris get married.
In July, we visited Austin, and my company made me an offer in exchange for spending 1/4 of my time in Austin. We said yes. Then I went to IEA and it was great except for the fact that Kyeli didn’t come.
In August, we decided to move, since our reasons for moving to Lansing were no longer valid.
In September, we sold our house and waited for banks to do bank things.
In October, Kelly and Amanda flew in to surprise me for my birthday! We moved out, and stayed in Minneapolis for a couple of weeks. We saw Caitlyn at the MIA and went to our first live comedy show.
In November, we moved to Austin and got settled in our new apartment. Kyeli visited her family for Thanksgiving and I opted out and watched OK GO videos instead.
In December, I had my first gyn exam in 13 years, we celebrated Yule with Dru, Kyeli and I went on a cruise to celebrate our 10th anniversary (two years late), I retired as a competitive DDR player, and Kelly stayed with us for a few days.
In summary, my goal for 2017 was to put down roots in Lansing and engage with my life. It didn’t work. How many of the above events actually took place in Lansing with people who live in Lansing? Only one – and it was bad. Lansing was a mistake born out of of desperation, and the culture wasn’t a good fit for us.
In 2018, my goal is exactly the same – to put down roots and engage with my life – except in Austin and the Pacific Northwest. Hopefully I’ll have better results. (:
2016
In keeping with my annual tradition (2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
In 2016, I didn’t play much DDR. My favorite single-player video game was The Witness, deeply moving and mystical. I didn’t read any non-fiction, and my favorite fiction books were the Fairyland series by Catherynne Valente.
My word of the year for 2016 was easy mode.
In November 2015, we met Amanda’s Erik, we had a MasterHeart with Kelly and Chris that helped me plan how to recover from burnout, and I started working at my old day job again.
In December 2015, we visited Dru in Texas and stayed in a hotel.
In January, I pivoted my business so that I can focus on podcasting and coaching, and I stopped doing most of the other stuff I used to do.
In February, we had a magickal mystical experience at ClaraCon 1, and Kyeli took hand as a Sufi!
In March, Amanda came up to visit for Kyeli’s birthday adventure, during which we stayed at the Stone Church.
In April, we had a MasterHeart with Kelly and Chris which helped me deal with my identity and ego issues that arose as I scaled back my achievement. I attended a Sufi retreat at The Abode of the Message. We were propositioned by friends (we politely declined), and Kyeli started physical therapy.
In May, Kyeli went to Dallas by herself, her first solo trip since the accident, and brought Dru home with her for a visit. We decided to move to Lansing.
In June, Kyeli started driving. I tried fasting for Ramadan but I couldn’t work because my brain spaced out, so I gave up. We took an experimental roadtrip to Maine to see if Kyeli could handle the upcoming drive to Lansing.
In July, we celebrated Kelly’s birthday with a Spiritual Superfriends gathering! We became birds of a feather and got tattoos. I attended the IEA conference in Minneapolis and met the Sufi community there. We drove to Lansing for a house-hunting scouting mission. We almost bought the house on Kalamazoo but it turned out be a lemon, and we dodged that bullet.
In August, Kyeli almost entirely stopped needing the wheelchair. Physical therapy FTW, Alhamdullilah! We had Waywardpalooza, our farewell time with Kelly and Chris and our other Beacon friends.
In September, we moved out of Kelly’s house in Beacon, NY, and moved to Lansing, Michigan. After various moving shenanigans, we found the house on Catherine Street and made an offer.
In October, Kyeli took me on a surprise birthday adventure all across Lansing and beyond!
In November, we closed on our new house, Dreamhold at Rooted Keep, and moved in! We visited Beacon for Thanksgiving, Pie Day, and a MasterHeart from which my biggest takeaway was “Stop, don’t pause.”
In December, Dru came to visit for a week, and we spent Christmas Day with Julica and her family. We closed the year with a New Year’s Eve MasterHeart focused on having a more wholehearted 2017 by getting out of our comfort zones.
In summary, 2016 was a year of deepening my friendship with Kelly, and it was a year of healing and recovery from the burnout I suffered from due to pushing too hard on my business for the previous five years. It was definitely restful and healing, but I think I overshot the mark – I think I took too many steps back away from burnout, and ended up disconnected, from both my friends and from my passion. I threw the passion baby out with the ambition bathwater.
Dearest 2017, I choose to share warm bread and butter with you. Empowered but not overconfident, optimistic but grounded, I choose to engage with you.
Our Big Fat Witchy Sufi Lesbian Legal Wedding
Today is my and Kyeli’s 10th anniversary!
As of today, Kyeli and I have been married for 10 years! In celebration of our tenth anniversary, today I’m sharing the story of our most recent wedding (the legal one on October 18th, 2014), including the ceremony, our vows, and all that good stuff.
We get married fairly often.
This was our 3rd public wedding ceremony. Our first wedding was exactly ten years ago (in 2005), when we were part of the triad. Our second wedding was in 2009, to celebrate my and Kyeli’s marriage as just the two of us. We’ve had one or two private ceremonies as well.
Our intent for this wedding was threefold:
- to make it legal
- to recognize our commitment to each other as spiritual partners
- to choose each other as we are now, with our eyes wide open, wholeheartedly.
Spiritual partnership
“Spiritual partner” is a term I learned from the book Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav. I couldn’t stand this book. It was written in 2011, but feels like the 1970s. However, I love the concept of spiritual partnership, and this book named it for me.
A spiritual partnership can be a committed romantic relationship, or it can be any two or more people who commit to treating each other as equals working together wholeheartedly toward spiritual growth.
In most relationships, there’s give and take. There’s compromise. There’s working out how to get my needs met while you get your needs met. This is normal and good. Spiritual partnership changes the game. Instead of give and take, it’s now surrender and trust.
It’s a little creepy, because it looks a lot like codependence from the outside. It’s hard to tell the difference between collapse and surrender unless you’re in it. You could say “I will give you everything” out of desperation and collapse, or you could say “I will give you everything” out of wholehearted surrender and harnessed empowerment.
Honestly, it can even be hard to tell the difference between collapse and surrender when you are in it. (Been there, done that.)
Spiritual partnership is about switching from “How can you make me happy?” to “How can we help each other grow?” It’s about stopping taking things personally and instead taking each conflict as a learning opportunity. It’s about letting go of keeping track, and surrendering to love.
Like our friend Jonathan quoted during our ceremony,
Even
After
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,“You owe me.”
Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights up the whole sky.-Hafiz
Spiritual partnership requires wholeheartedness. I can give, and give, and give, but if I’m feeling resentful or bitter about giving, then I’m in the tit-for-tat model instead of spiritual partnership – I’m acting as though I’m in a regular partnership of mutual exchange, trying to get my needs met.
Actually, resentment itself isn’t even a problem, it’s what I do with it. When I feel resentful, do I blame Kyeli? Do I blame the Universe? Do I blame myself for feeling this way? Do I get stuck in feeling like a victim? Or do I take the resentment, feel it fully, acknowledge it, and work through it in an empowered and wholehearted way? That’s the way of the spiritual partner.
Eyes wide open
The year of the wedding, Kyeli went from being able to walk normally to being in a wheelchair most of the time. She can’t drive. She can’t help out around the house as much. She can’t do a lot of the things she used to be able to do.
It’s been a huge shift in our relationship, as Kyeli struggles with independence and empowerment and I struggle with taking on more responsibility – a degree of responsibility that I don’t really want, and that I sure as heck didn’t sign up for.
The biggest thing that helps me remember to be wholehearted – to not get mired in resentment – is to choose Kyeli, as she is now, with my eyes wide open. “I didn’t sign up for this” is one of my Yellow Alert Thoughts. It’s a signal that I’m not feeling wholehearted, and a reminder to choose. There are only two wholehearted options:
- choose what is
- choose to change it
And look at all these tempting things that are not on the list:
- wish it were different
- complain about it
- avoid it
- slog through it resentfully
- procrastinate
- pretend everything is fine
- raise one’s fist to the heavens and rail, “I didn’t sign up for this!”
Either choose what is, or choose to change it. Those are the only two wholehearted options.
In my marriage with Kyeli, that means: either choose Kyeli as she is now, or choose to change our relationship – which would mean divorce, or some other drastic relationship shift. “Slog through my marriage resentfully” and “pretend everything is fine” are not wholehearted options.
So we had a sacred ceremony in which we each vowed, “I choose you as you are now.” This vow anchors my wholeheartedness in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, and in my bones. It makes it easier to remember whenever I forget.
And ohhhhh yes I forget. I forget in small ways, when Kyeli drops something on the floor and asks me if I could please pick it up, and I think to myself, “Damn it! This is the sixth time today! Why do you keep dropping shit?!”
Now that we have made a sacred commitment to each other as spiritual partners, it’s easier to remember that I did sign up for this. We’re rubbing the rough edges off each other so we can become smooth enough to pass through the gate of heaven.
Not your mother’s mixed-faith wedding
I’m a Sufi (I had just taken hand a few days before the wedding), and Kyeli is a handmaiden of the Goddess. We wanted to honor each of our spiritual/religious paths in the ceremony, as well as the Oneness that contains them both. Keep your eye out for the Sufi and witchy elements in the ceremony.
The Participants
We invited about a dozen of our closest friends; no observers, only participants.
The Ceremony
So without further ado, here is our wedding ceremony, including our vows, including everything except our magickal names, which we don’t share publicly. The ceremony was written by our good friend and officiant Julica Hermann, and tweaked by myself and Kyeli.
You are most welcome to use it as inspiration for your own ceremony. You are most welcome to steal it, in whole or in part. If you do, we’d love to hear about it… and see pics! (:
Big Fat Witchy Sufi Lesbian Legal Wedding Ceremony
GET HYPE
Julica: It’s time! Everybody GET HYPE for Pace and Kyeli’s wedding!!!!
Everybody: *gets hype*
[Procession! Our processional song is Melon-Glo-Mania, our mutual favorite chiptune by Mark “TDK” Knight.]
[Everybody dances, then Pace comes at the beat drop, everyone looks at her and admires her, then Kyeli comes in at the melody, everyone looks at her and admires her too. Both Pace and Kyeli begin hugging people around the circle at opposite ends, going in opposite directions, and work their way around. Fade out music.]
Invocation: Casting Circle
[Julica:]
We gather together today to bear witness to the sacred union of Pace and Kyeli.
Bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Rahim, in harmony with Divine Oneness, we cast circle in Her blessed presence:
by the earth that is Her body,
by the air that is Her breath,
by the fire of Her bright spirit,
by the waters of Her living womb,
by all that is above,
all that is below,
and all that spirals in-between, [step back into circle]
From my heart to your heart, the circle is cast. [with hand to heart gesture.]
[P & K:] we are between the worlds and what happens here changes us and changes all the worlds. [drop hands.]
Charlie: I invite Air to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Kelly: I invite Fire to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Ev’Yan: I invite Water to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Pam: I invite Earth to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Angela: I invite all guides, spiritual and physical, regardless of time and space, to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Jen: I invite all who have come before and all who shall come after to witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
Pace: I invite Aphrodite to witness and bless this union of myself and Kyeli.
Kyeli: I invite our sacred guides to witness and bless this union of myself and Pace.
Julica: We welcome and give thanks to all who have come to bear witness and bless this union of Pace and Kyeli.
SING: La ilaha ill’allah
Poems
Pace reads this poem (by Eeva Kilpi) to Kyeli in Finnish, and Kyeli reads the translation to Pace in English.
Sano heti jos minä häiritsen,
hän sanoi astuessaan ovesta sisään,
niin minä lähden saman tien pois.Sinä et ainoastaan häiritse,
minä vastasin,
sinä järkytät koko minun olemustani.
Tervetuloa.
Tell me right away if I’m disturbing you,
she said as she stepped inside my door,
and I’ll leave at once.You not only disturb me, I said,
you shatter my entire existence.
Welcome.
[Julica:]
Yes, that is exactly how it is. That is what the commitment of marriage does to a person. When we marry someone, when we make a wholehearted commitment to another person, we are shattering our entire existence. There is some kind of weird synergistic math, where 1 + 1 does not equal 2, it equals 4,000. Your entire life is transformed in the moment of committing yourself to another person. And that transformation is renewed every time you recommit – and I mean recommit in the big moments, like today, and also in the small moments, like when your partner is making you batshit crazy, and you take a deep breath, and you say, I’m still in, I can do this.
This is something that both of you already know, because that is what you have already been doing. You have been married in your hearts and in the eyes of your family and friends for nine wonderful years. And you know that a good marriage is one in which you constantly re-commit to each other. You invite that person into your heart, again and again, knowing that it will continue to shatter your individual existence.
This moment and this celebration is about reaffirming something that already is. It’s also about deepening the relationship you have created together, on two levels: the spiritual and the legal.
In this space, you are affirming the spiritual commitment you are making to each other, and to each other’s spiritual paths. You are making a promise to support each other’s ongoing development and spiritual relationship with the Divine. That is especially exciting and challenging when you don’t share the same spiritual path! This is something that you have been in the process of clarifying and discovering very recently.
So it is important and meaningful to take a moment to acknowledge that there is a deep commitment and a deep love and a deep trust that goes with the witnessing of your partner following her separate spiritual path, and trusting that she supports you in following yours.
[pause]
And then the other important aspect of this ceremony is the fact that today we are witnessing and endorsing a legal marriage, in the eyes of the state. With that acknowledgement comes a host of benefits that you have not had access to!
And so there is a little bit of bittersweet taste to this fact.
The bitter taste comes from acknowledging that it is not OK that is has taken this long, and it is not OK that many couples still do not enjoy the privileges of legal marriage because this is not yet the law of the land.
Fortunately, and here is the sweetness, we all know that the tide has turned. It is truly now just a matter of months before everyone can marry whomever they love, and it is wonderful that Oregon has seen the light, and that the people of Oregon have had the wisdom to do what is right, to support and acknowledge your deep love and commitment for each other.
Kyeli, when we were discussing and preparing this ceremony, you said the most beautiful thing to me, and I want to share it back with you and with everyone. You said: relationships cannot happen in a vacuum; relationships occur in community.
And this particular community is your group of deeply beloveds, your chosen family, the people who have seen you through thick and thin, and who will continue to support the growth and development of your relationship. These friendships, the people in this circle in this moment, have been carefully cultivated by both of you. Kyeli, you told me that you are made stronger and better and more beautiful by each relationship you have with the people in this circle. And I know I can speak for everyone and say ditto! We are all made better and stronger and more beautiful because we are friends with you Kyeli, and with you, Pace.
[pause]
And so, in this expanded circle of love, it is now time for all of you, beloveds of Kyeli and Pace, to share a blessing for their commitment to each other.
Blessings
[We went around the circle and each person shared a blessing. (Yes, we warned them beforehand.) Poems, songs, prayers, heartfelt wishes – our friends are super sweet and amazingly creative!]
[Julica:]
Well, now that you are marinating in all this love for you and your relationship, I’d be really surprised if you wouldn’t want to keep going. But! If you want to back out, this is your last chance, because I’m about to ask you if you’re serious about this. Are you ready?
Declaration of Intent and Vows
Pace, do you choose Kyeli as your sacred and lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, regardless of ability, for rich or for poor, as long as you both shall live?
Pace: I do!
Kyeli, do you choose Pace as your sacred and lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, regardless of ability, for rich or for poor, as long as you both shall live?
Kyeli: I do!
Kyeli, please declare your vows to Pace.
Vows
(In the vows, there are some places where it says <insert sacred name>. Kyeli and I each have a private magickal name that we only use in sacred space. I also have a Sufi name that I use for Sufi stuff. It’s Muqita and it’s (obviously) not private. So the people at the ceremony got to witness us say our sacred names, but the internet doesn’t.)
[Kyeli:]
In this sacred space, surrounded by our loved ones and in the presence of the Divine, I, Kyeli , do vow:
- to hold our relationship above all others, save my relationships with myself and with the Divine.
- to endeavor to know myself in all my parts.
- to be open, to talk things through as they occur, and to ask for what I need.
- to hold healthy physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.
- to honor your physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.
- to love and accept you for who you are, even as you grow and change.
- to speak truth to you in all things at all times, with exceptions for positive surprises and amusement value.
- to treat you with kindness and compassion.
- to be always on your team.
- to support you in following your own dreams as well as the dreams we share.
- to acknowledge and accept that you will disappoint me.
- that no random shoes we may come across shall bring forth the end of our relationship, be they single or in pairs.
So mote it be!
[Julica:]
Pace, please declare your vows to Kyeli.
[Pace:]
In this sacred space, surrounded by our loved ones and in the presence of the Divine, I, Pace Muqita, do vow:
- to hold our relationship above all others, save my relationships with myself and with the Divine.
- to endeavor to know myself in all my parts.
- to be open, to talk things through as they occur, and to ask for what I need.
- to hold healthy physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.
- to honor your physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.
- to love and accept you for who you are, even as you grow and change.
- to speak truth to you in all things at all times, with exceptions for positive surprises and amusement value.
- to treat you with kindness and compassion.
- to be always on your team.
- to support you in following your own dreams as well as the dreams we share.
- to acknowledge and accept that you will disappoint me.
- that no random shoes we may come across shall bring forth the end of our relationship, be they single or in pairs.
So mote it be!
WE ALL SING THE RUMI CHANT
(The following two sweet things that Kyeli says to Pace and that Pace says to Kyeli were kept private until this point and not rehearsed during rehearsal, so Pace and Kyeli were hearing them for the first time during the ceremony.)
[Kyeli:]
“Pace, you are the most impressively amazing person I have ever known. In our ten years together, you have grown and changed and deepened, become more spiritual and more compassionate, more gentle and more kind, and ever more awesome. I didn’t even think it was possible! You just keep breaking the awesome meter! You impress me every single day in lots of little ways, and at least once a month in a big way. You impress me with your radiance, with your wisdom, with your wit, your pathfinding and path forging and path-sticking-to-it-ness. But most of all, more than anything, it’s your heart that gets me. Your big beautiful heart, your deep compassionate heart, your sweet sensitive heart. I am so hype about you, I am so hype about us. We’ve got this, you and me and our wild crazy meaningful life. I love you, I love you, I love you.
You, Pace <insert sacred name> Muqita, are my sacred spiritual partner. I, Kyeli <insert sacred name>, surrender to the Divine that is you.”
She kneels and prostrates herself at P’s feet. Charlie and Amanda attend. Kyeli places her hand on Pace’s heart.
[Pace:]
“Your courage shines bright like a star,
Your humor’s completely bizarre.
Your tongue like a snake,
Your heart so awake,
Still open despite every scar.
Where I am weak, you are strong.
Where I am prose, you are song.
I even enjoy
The things that annoy,
For with you is where I belong.
Your love brings me down to my knees.
Like flying a flying trapeze,
I leap. Will you catch me?
Yes, and you’ll stretch me.
Claim everything, just like the seas.
You, Kyeli <insert sacred name>, are my sacred spiritual partner. I, Pace <insert sacred name> Muqita, surrender to the Divine that is you.”
She kneels and prostrates herself at K’s feet. Jonathan and Mark attend. Pace places her hand on Kyeli’s heart.
ANOTHER ROUND OF RUMI
Legal Hype!
The signing of the document — Clayton and Holly bring a little table to the center of the circle. Amanda and Kelly step up and offer the document. We all sign.
Description of the rings
[Julica:]
May I please have the rings?
You have chosen two very different rings, but both bear the same gem – just as you are two very different people who both share the same love. May these rings be forever the symbol of the unbroken circle of your love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end. Love freely given has no giver and no receiver. May these rings remind you of the vows you have shared here today, and the love you share always.
Exchange of rings
Pace: I offer you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. By accepting this ring onto your finger, you accept not only my love, but also all of the bullshit that comes along with that.
Kyeli: Bring it!
Kyeli: I offer you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. By accepting this ring onto your finger, you accept not only my love, but also all of the bullshit that comes along with that.
Pace: Bring it!
Pronouncement
Forasmuch as Pace and Kyeli have thus pledged themselves to the Divine and to each other in the presence of this circle, by the power vested in me as a handmaiden of the Goddess, I witness and bless your commitment to each other as spiritual partners. And by the power vested in me by the state of Oregon, I now pronounce you lawfully wedded wives!
Make with the kissing!!!
[P and K make with the kissing]
Benediction
Please hold hands.
We give thanks to all who gave their attention and love to witness and bless this sacred union of Pace and Kyeli.
Open circle (with gesture):
from my heart to your heart, the circle is open.
Kyeli and Pace: The circle is open, but unbroken. May the blessings of the Divine go ever in our hearts.
All: Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again! *cheering and hugging*
Photos by Kyeli Smith
2015
In keeping with my annual tradition (2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this Samhain Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
In 2015, my DDR bottleneck became stamina instead of accuracy, and it started to feel more like exercise and less like fun. On the up side, I can now play Crypt of the NecroDancer on my dance pad, and that’s fun. My favorite single-player video game was Hack ‘n’ Slash, because hacking the world felt like being a real-life mage, grokking the underlying substructure of reality in such fullness that manipulating it becomes trivial. Our favorite video game we played together was Broken Age. My favorite speedrun was the Tetris block at SGDQ. My favorite non-fiction book was Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and my favorite fiction book was Agent to the Stars, by John Scalzi.
Our word of the year for 2015 was “pantry”. We wanted to make some things better that would stay better once they were done. In particular:
getting a good wheelchair for Kyeli
- getting medical care and pain management for Kyeli
- moving to a wheelchair-accessible home
- making my business consistent and sustainable
Let’s see how we did!
In January, I took Charlie Gilkey‘s advice and stopped teaching the nuts and bolts of business so I could focus on teaching Pathfinding. Kelly visited Portland for KellyCon 2.5. I taught Peaceful Productivity, and we tried to find a new place to live in Portland, and failed miserably and repeatedly, mainly due to lack of accessibility.
In February, We finally found a new place to live: the HMS Skywhale. We moved in with high hopes which were very quickly dashed. Kyeli got a fancy new wheelchair – Chariot 2.0 – which didn’t fit. The fitting fiasco began.
In March, I created a new autoresponder sequence for my eZine, and did 37 Pathfinding Consultations.
In April, I released Find Your Path Now, an eBook that serves as a great introduction to my work. We began a long-distance roleplaying campaign with our son Dru over Skype. The 2nd annual Trailblazers group formed and began trailblazing. (It’s the secret sequel to the Pathfinding Program.)
In May, Aine invited me to be part of the Guennea Pig project. I accepted. Kyeli started seeing Danielle Cornelius for physical and woo-woo healing, and we both started seeing Myra Sicilia for emotional work. They are both totally awesome! Kyeli finally resolved the situation with Chariot 2.0 (two scathing Yelp reviews were involved) and instead, she got a mid-line Karma wheelchair – Chariot 3.0 – that works pretty well. Also, I finally paid off my student loan!
In June, we took that student loan payment and redirected it to Dru to help put him through college. (Dru is in college now!) I wrote and submitted 22 guest posts; this one was my favorite. I had a great coaching session with Andrea J. Lee. Julica visited Portland for JulicaCon 1, which set the wheels of transformation in motion. And most notably, We decided to move to Beacon, NY and move in with Kelly.
In July, Kelly visited Portland for KellyCon 3, and she graphic recorded our App Camp for Girls presentation “From Trolls to LOLs”! We launched our new podcast, Wild Crazy Meaningful Enneagram, which quickly skyrocketed to become the #1 Enneagram podcast out there!
In August, I taught Overcome Overwhelm (O_o), and we presented our hopefully-not-last App Camp for Girls presentation. We said our goodbyes to all our Portland and Seattle friends, especially spending lots of high-quality time with Jean. We went through our Great Purge 3.0, getting rid of all our furniture and lots of our other stuff too, so that we could fit almost everything we own into our Honda Fit for our upcoming cross-country move.
In September, we moved across the country! We went to Yellowstone, smuggled our cat into a mall, visited Julica, accidentally put our lives on hold, and visited some friends! During the road trip, Kyeli asked for help building a ramp for our new home, and y’all met her goal and then some. Thank you so much!
In October, we arrived in Beacon and began settling in with our BFF and new roomie Kelly. I began attending zikr (Sufi group spiritual practice) every Thursday in New York City, where my order is headquartered. It’s a 2.5-hour trip each way, but it’s totally worth it. We also went to NYC to see Caitlin Doughty. Kelly’s cat Wolfie died. And thanks to the inner work I did in the Guennea Pig Project and in therapy, I accepted a part-time position at my once and future day job with little to no emotional drama.
In summary, 2015 pretty much sucked. We expected it to be productively rough, because we had chosen to build lots of pantries even though we were exhausted, but our pantries kept falling apart… so it was gratuitously, discouragingly rough instead. I think we were Path-creating instead of Pathfinding.
But in October, things finally started looking up. All the inner work I did in 2015 piled up bit by bit, and in October it finally reached the tipping point. When I tipped, I disidentified from the “rebel” persona that I had called “me” for the past seven years. I feel like I’ve just begun the third phase of my life.
The Three Phases of Pace’s Life
1977-2007: | My life goal is the usual one: money, success, prestige. |
2008-2015: | My life goal is the opposite of that: wild, crazy, meaningful no matter what the cost! |
2016-????: | I don’t know, but whatever it is, it transcends and includes both of the above. |
Dearest 2016,
I have no idea what you will bring. But I will work with you instead of against you. I will work with myself instead of against myself; no more playing on hard mode.
Photos by Kyeli Smith
“I follow my heart” vs. “I follow my heart, dammit!”
Comma-Dammit
When Pathfinding clients begin working with me, they’re often in what I call the comma-dammit phase. You can tell if you’re in the comma-dammit phase if, whenever you talk about your own identity, you can hear a silent “comma dammit” appended to the end of each sentence.
For example, consider two different people saying the same sentence, “I follow my heart.”
Sharon says calmly, “I follow my heart,” her arms at her sides, as if she’s stating a fact.
Diane says excitedly, “I follow my heart!” as she points emphatically into the distance.
Diane’s got the silent comma-dammit. She’s basically saying, “I follow my heart, dammit!”
The subtle comma-dammit
Sometimes the comma-dammit isn’t obvious from tone or body language. Consider this conversation between Sharon and Diane:
Diane says to Sharon, “I heard you follow your heart. Me too! What’s your journey been like so far?”
Sharon says, “It’s been like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I’ve felt fully aligned, sometimes I’ve compromised, and sometimes I’ve journeyed off my path and didn’t follow my heart at all for a while. It’s a learning process, though, and it’s been ridiculously interesting for sure. How about you?”
Diane says, “It’s been the most amazing thing in the world. It’s been wild, crazy, and meaningful. Whenever I fall off my path I do my best to get right back on. Compromise is a slippery slope; if I’m any less than 100% dedicated to following my heart, I’ll go back to being the me I used to be, and I’d rather die.”
What’s the key difference between Sharon and Diane?
Diane is more hype and Sharon is more calm, that’s for sure. But that’s a symptom, not the root cause.
The key difference is that Diane is desperately attached to her identity as someone who follows her heart.
Sharon says, “I follow my heart,” but Diane says, “I am a person who follows her heart,” with the implied “comma dammit” at the end. In other words, Diane is saying, “I am a person who follows her heart, no matter what the cost.”
Gurdjieff’s Law of Three
Gurdjieff’s Law of Three teaches that personal transformation happens in 3 phases:
- Affirm
- Deny
- Reconcile
The Affirm phase of Diane’s life was “I exist to take care of others, and my needs are unimportant.”
When Diane changed her life, she moved into phase 2: Deny. The Deny phase always has a “comma dammit” attached to the end. Diane’s Deny phase is “I follow my heart, dammit.”
Diane is denying that she exists solely to take care of others. She’s denying that her needs are unimportant. She’s choosing to follow her heart to prove that she values herself.
The problem with comma-dammit
The problem with comma-dammit is that you’re just as locked down as you were in the Affirm phase. Sure, you’re locked into the opposite thing, but you’re still locked.
Diane used to be locked into taking care of others at her own expense.
Now she’s locked into following her heart no matter what the cost.
Her options are different, but they’re just as limited.
When Diane was in Phase 1: Affirm, her magnetic north used to be “I exist to take care of others, and my needs are unimportant,” and all her choices pointed toward north.
When Diane shifted to Phase 2: Deny, she chose to head south instead of north – directly away from the belief “I exist to take care of others, and my needs are unimportant.”
But that belief is still her center.
She’s heading away from it instead of toward it, but that belief is still at the core of her being.
Phase 3: Reconcile
Sharon’s Phase 1 and Phase 2 were similar to Diane’s, but Sharon changed her life a second time and entered Phase 3: Reconcile. Phase 1 and Phase 2 are polar opposites, so when Sharon reconciled them, magic happened. Sharon could not be a person who held two conflicting beliefs at the same time, so she ceased to be a “person who” at all. She broke her attachment to her identity.
Sharon is no longer Queen of the Nation of Sharon; she is simply Sharon.
Unbound from the chains of identity, Sharon now occupies a larger container – a container large enough to hold her soul, which no identity could possibly hold. Since she’s no longer a “person who”, she is free to make all possible choices at all times.
In other words:
The next step
But all that cool woo-woo stuff can’t happen until you first notice your comma-dammit with curiosity and openness.
How would you fill in this blank: