How I overcame my fear of running out of money

Two months ago, I was constantly terrified.

Sometimes I was able to bury it under the surface, but it would rear its head at horrible times. I would fight with Kyeli about personal and business expenses, and I would randomly flip out in terror of what might happen if the Freak Revolution wasn’t profitable enough soon enough.

Would we lose our house?

Would we have to give up all our comfort and fun things?

Would we have to eat nothing but rice and beans?

Would we have to leave Austin?

Would I have to go back to work full-time at my day job?

Today, I’m at peace.

Well, maybe not at peace, but certainly much farther along on my journey toward finding peace. Still some fear, still some worry, but no more abject terror, no more flip-outs, and no more horrible fights about money. Kyeli, back me up in a comment here? (:

What changed?

Two words: Mark Silver.

I’ve been taking the Heart of Money course, and even though I’m only halfway through, it’s already having a profound effect on my relationship with money.

It doesn’t stop there.

In addition to transforming my relationship with money, it’s also affecting me on a deep spiritual level. I’m learning humility.

Isn’t that one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse?

I know, I know, I’ve always been pretty egotistical. Empowerment bordering on hubris is a valuable trait for an entrepreneur. It’s like Michelangelo said:

“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.”

But I’m learning that it’s possible to be empowered while still being completely powerless. To explain how, I’ve first got to talk about three different forms of relationships.

Codependence → Independence → Interdependence

Relationships often move through three phases.

In codependence, you depend on others to the exclusion of yourself. You are not a whole person; you’re completed by someone else.

In independence, you are self-sufficient. You are a whole person, empowered, not relying on others. Many modern cultures, especially Western cultures, idealize this phase.

In interdependence, you are self-sufficient but you choose to engage in healthy interactions with others. You are a whole person, and you trust and depend on other whole people in ways that benefit you both.

It’s easy to mistake codependence for interdependence. Heck, I once made that mistake for three years. They’re both forms of dependence, and they look the same on the surface.

Being the Universe’s bitch vs. being the Universe’s bitch

(a subtle distinction)

What I’m learning from the Heart of Money class is that one’s spirituality, one’s relationship with the Divine (or God, or Goddess, or the Universe, or Source, or what have you) also moves through these three phases.

In codependence, you are God’s bitch. That touchdown you just made? God did that. You deserve no credit. You give up all your power and your responsibility to the Divine, keeping none for yourself. Those negative circumstances you find yourself in? You don’t move a muscle to get yourself out. You tell yourself “It’s God’s will” and accept your lot in life.

In independence, you don’t need God. You don’t need spirituality or religion. You’re an atheist or agnostic. You keep all your power to yourself and take all responsibility for yourself. Those negative circumstances you find yourself in? You take action to change them, on your own.

In interdependence, you are God’s bitch. That touchdown you just made? You couldn’t have done that without your God-given gifts. You recognize that all power comes from the Divine, so you claim no power as your own, but accept the responsibility of stewarding it. Those negative circumstances you find yourself in? You use the power you’re stewarding to change them, but if you cannot change them, you accept them as they are, telling yourself “It’s God’s will”.

Eat me like candy.

Codependence and interdependence look awfully similar, don’t they? But really, a more accurate summary of codependence would be that God is your bitch. The Universe is your scapegoat, your ultimate buck-stops-there excuse. Take, for example, this poem by Rumi:

Your prayer should be, “Break the legs of what I want to happen. Humiliate my desire. Eat me like candy. It’s spring, and finally I have no will.”

Sounds like being God’s bitch, right? Sounds like codependence? Nope. Rumi is actually talking about spiritual interdependence. He’s talking about the simultaneous freedom and terror you experience when you realize that the feeling of control you felt in the phase of independence is an illusion.

But this doesn’t mean you’re giving up your power and responsibility, it just means that you’re not claiming them as yours alone. There’s a saying from the Feri tradition:

“Self is God and God is Self and God is a person like myself.”

In “giving up” your power to the Divine, you’re actually bringing it back to yourself in a purified form.

The Heart of Money Transformational Journey

Mark Silver doesn’t actually talk about being God’s bitch in the Heart of Money class. This is my own work that was triggered by the issues we do talk about in class, which cover things like getting in touch with your heart, finding out what spiritual lessons your relationship with money is trying to teach you, learning to face your assets and liabilities, and that sort of thing.

The Heart of Money work is straightforward when you do it, but it causes these deep ripples that change you in tectonic ways.

One thing Mark said that really stuck with me is:

“Imagine you had a partner, and you spent 30 minutes a week kissing her so she wouldn’t leave you, then saying, ‘Sheesh, I’m glad that’s over with.’ That’s not a healthy relationship. It’s not going to grow. But many people have that exact relationship with their bills, and they expect their money to grow. They don’t realize that their financial situation is not going to change unless their relationship with money changes.”

You want to get in on this before December 18.

Mark is finally, after almost 3 years, teaching the Heart of Money course again! I’m super excited to share this with you. This has been the single most effective thing I’ve done to change my relationship with money — to stop the fear, the worry, and the flip-outs. Which is in turn changing things in our business, not just for the better, but for the awesomer!

It was hard for me to decide to sign up. I had to push past the very same money-fear issues I wanted to solve in order to buy it. Kinda paradoxical. But I did push through (with oodles of love, support, and persistence from Kyeli), and it was the one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Seriously. It’s been that important for me.

The best part is that Mark and his team want as many people as possible to experience peace and healing around their relationship with money, so this course is Pay From The Heart. BUT, because Mark is an amazing person, he’s still teaching a bonus course on a Sufi healing technique for clearing reactions and stuck places; you just need to register for Heart of Money by December 17. Mark Silver is an amazing human being, and I stand behind him and his work one hundred percent.

Click this link: Heart of Money

And since I’ve been quoting so many famous people in this post, I’d like to end with a quote from the immortal Martin Whitmore:


Feel clear and confident about your direction in life!


Do you wish you could follow your heart, but it seems impossible? I can help you find the clarity and courage you need.

In other words, I can help you find your path.