Two weeks ago, I posted about another “The Body Sacred” epiphany on the lack of male energy in my life.
I’ve been steeping in this, sussing and thinking and feeling. Pace and I have had hours-long discussions about it, and something she said really got me going.
It’s not about men. It’s about a certain set of behaviors and attitudes.
It’s not men I fear, it’s the dominance and the brute strength, the righteousness, the violence and abuse, the tendency toward control and sex-craziness.
Those are separate from men.
They’re certainly behaviors more prevalent in men than women, both in general and in my life. But I started to realize that I can separate them from the general class of human, and put my fear/shields/walls where they belong.
The other piece to this complicated puzzle is self-trust.
I used to allow people with those behaviors in my life. I used to allow them to hurt me, control me, abuse me, and rape me. I had no self-confidence or self-worth, no understanding about how sacred I am and how sacred my body is, and no understanding on how to keep myself safe. I didn’t “get what was coming to me” or any such horrid thing, but I sure as hell didn’t protect myself and didn’t feel deserving of healthy friends and lovers who wouldn’t abuse me. I didn’t trust myself to take good care of myself because I never did.
I am not that girl anymore.
I am strong. I am smart. I have good, powerful intuition that I listen to and trust deeply. I no longer allow such people into my life, and if they sneak through, I am fully capable of protecting myself. I no longer live in fear from anything, men included.
So now, I can take those behaviors, those attitudes, and separate them from a gender. I can see them in specific people and take specific action on a personal basis. I can disentangle, see what needs to be seen, and act accordingly, instead of being afraid of every strange man I may encounter.
p.s.: still totally a lesbian. sorry, boys.
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