I used to be neurotic about my glasses. I had to know where they were at all times. They were the very last thing I would remove at night – usually after I was already in bed – and the very first thing I’d put on in the mornings, and usually before I even got out of bed. Even if I lingered in bed to read or cuddle, I’d put them on.
But I realized a few days ago – I’m not neurotic about them anymore. I’ve started taking them off in the bathroom when I ablute and not bothering to put them back on. I’ve even spent hours in the mornings without them, while Pace and I sit around and cuddle before we exercise.
It boils down to comfort.
I used to be in a manipulative relationship with a controlling abuser. In that situation, I felt uncomfortable. I felt out of control, helpless, a victim. My glasses gave me security and comfort that I couldn’t find elsewhere – and she couldn’t touch them without me flipping out, so she never tried.
But my neurosis over my glasses was a red flag; a warning sign of things not right in our relationship. Much like my obsession over ansty goth rock (that also went away with that relationship) – I was using my glasses as an anchor, as something I could control in a situation in which I felt helpless.
(The goth rock was considerably more emo: I felt I had a hole in my soul, and goth rock sings about hole-filled souls a lot, so it gave me something to which I could relate. I got better.)
Now that I’m in a healthy relationship, I no longer need to desperately cling to control over little things because I no longer feel helpless – and I can look back and see things as red flags. The things I see when I look back will fill a book, but this is one of them.
Call it an early warning sign. So I give it to you as something to mull over and consider. If you find yourself clinging to the little things, desperate for comfort… what are you really feeling?