Another installment in the series of posts of the WCWW scholarship contest winners and runners-up! Today’s post is written by ShimmerGeek, one of our scholarship runners-up. Enjoy!
The Sound of Fear
I am absolutely terrified. And it feels like I’m terrified of absolutely everything.
Getting this far has already triggered about half a dozen fears for me.
(Oh God, I’ve written two sentences already and I haven’t even said ANYTHING. Nothing about me, nothing about how I’ll change the world… Is it even good enough anyway?!)
I’ve been suffering from depression for around seven years, ever since a majorly traumatic thing happened to me.
(“Suffering”? Really? That sounds SO whiny… And “majorly traumatic thing” – that’s such a cop-out, you should get over it and tell everyone. No one cares about your sob story anyway.)
Until recently, it only ever got worse and worse and worse, and I got more and more scared of absolutely everything.
I gradually saw relationships and friendships disintegrate, and felt absolutely powerless to stop it from happening.
I didn’t do well at University, and stopped enjoying learning – which I’ve always loved – and when I finally found the course I really *did* love, I messed it up even worse than the others.
(Whine. Whine. Whine. NO ONE CARES. No one wants to hear this! You’re so pathetic. Such a failure. Things don’t get like this for normal people. You’re just weak. You sound stupid.)
I used to learn just for the sake of learning, because learning new things and creating amazing things made me happier than anything else.
But then, a few years ago, I stopped.
I saw all the wonderful things other people were doing, the amazing projects that made me go ‘Wow’, stunning art, beautiful writing… And I stopped.
I knew that nothing I could do could possibly compare to anything so wonderful. To these talented, incredible, extraordinary people.
(Who are you kidding? This isn’t what they want at all. They want to hear awesome, amazing, creative ideas. Not some pathetic whiner.)
Since I was a little kid, I loved to read and write more than anything. I still read, voraciously; but I almost never write – because it will never be good enough.
I was good at art – I won a bunch of prizes, and everyone complimented me on it. But I don’t draw any more – because other people are better.
And when I was a teenager, I discovered that I loved to program – and I was very, very good at it. It flowed, and I knew how to create amazing things.
And I still program, but I often find myself buried under my fears – because I don’t know how to do things. There are so many things I don’t know.
(Do you honestly think normal people feel this way? This is not normal. Everyone else just gets on with things. This is just you.)
I consider myself to be very lucky.
I am lucky to know wonderful people, who stuck by me and did their very best to support me. Some did better than others – but they all tried their hardest.
And I was strong. I am strong.
The worst is over. I’m much, much better at coping with everything, and really making things better in my life.
(Really? You REALLY think this is what they want?! They don’t want your personal, whiny story… They want some amazing idea!!! Not YOU!)
And I am still absolutely terrified.
And things are still far from being great – but I know that they can be.
And I see pieces of the path in front of me.
I still feel the sound of fear screaming in my ear, and I still feel absolutely terrified. But I’m doing my best to ignore it.
(You shouldn’t ignore it. You can’t ignore it. HA! You’ll see that I’m right. You’re right to be afraid. Everything will go wrong. You’ll mess things up.)
I want to help other people turn their lives around.
I want to help people get over their fears, and see the path in front of them towards being happier.
And I want to start from scratch.
I’m not some crazy-competent person who has their life figured out already; I’m normal and messed up and I have a long way to go.
And I think that can help people.
Seeing that they can do it. That they can transform themselves, that they can change themselves, too.
(Why would anyone want to listen to someone like you? They WANT crazy-competent people. Not some normal person. Normal? You’re not even normal. You’re a mess. Other people don’t go through this!)
I’ve read enough about other people’s transformation and success… Now it’s time to write.
ShimmerGeek is still a scaredy-kitten, but she’s hoping playing Roller Derby will change all that. She loves nothing more than food, books, and geeky things of all descript. She writes at ShimmerGeek whenever she plucks up the courage.