Another epiphany brought to me by Dianne Sylvan and her incredible book, “The Body Sacred”.

There is a distinct lack of male energy in my life.

I’m not sure how much I need it. I’m still trying to figure that out. But I am sure that a big reason I don’t have much is because I’m afraid.

And I can’t be having with that.

I’ve a long history of abuse in my life, almost entirely from men. I grew up in a patriarchal religion where God was supposed to be like a father, but was jealous and prone to acts of random violence and unfairness. I didn’t feel comforted by that. In fact, it sort of set the precedent for the rest of my relationships with men. The only men I’ve dated were abusive to me. All the sex I’ve had with men was abusive or hurtful.

It bled over into my spirituality, too. I have tried in the past to connect with male deities, but never felt safe. So many of them come across to me as sex-crazed, out to possess me or own me or dominate me or control me – and I most certainly do not want that. There are so many stories of gods possessing mortal women, stories of rape and violence, domination, objectification.

In general, I see men as sex-crazed, out to possess or own or dominate or control me. Men want women to do as they’re told, stay silent and docile, and produce fine, strong sons. Right? This ties into my self-esteem issues, wanting to stay fat to be protected from further sexual abuse (though all the abuse I’ve lived through happened regardless), self-sabotage with my appearance to avoid being seen… It’s deep stuff.

Oy.

The men in my life now are gentle, funny, sweet, open, kind souls. I feel nurtured by our friendships, comforted by their affection, safe in their presences. They are a rare breed, and I feel lucky for having so many of them so close to me. (I love you guys!)

But outside my circle, I perceive men as dangerous.

This isn’t finished for me. I’m still processing, still feeling out what’s going on deep under my surface. I think I want to find and connect with a male deity that feels like my friends. That feels like a healing thing to do, a good furthering step.

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