In last week’s post on how to get what you deserve, Kyeli gave the example of a gnarly old tree in your yard. She encouraged you to either wholeheartedly get rid of the tree or wholeheartedly make peace with the tree.

Maartje wrote this heartfelt, vulnerable response at the Commons:

“I’m not sure WHAT the wholehearted choice would be”

Part of it is that I’m not sure WHAT the wholehearted choice would be. I see an issue, I tally the possible solutions, and none of them resonate. So either I’m overlooking options or (and this is definitely true at least some of the times!) I’m missing resources/support that would make the options a no-brainer. Removing the creepy tree is GREAT, but I don’t have the money to hire someone nor the stamina to do it myself nor the circle of friends to help me out or the guts to even admit that this tree bothers me so much to some people, lest they think I’m a horrible person. And at least some of the time I’m stuck in the ‘I want THIS tree, only happy and healthy and non-haunted-housily gnarly!’ mode.

Biggest thing is probably scarcity mindset, though – I need money to pay the bills AND I need money because my honey gets stressed out if we can’t build our savings. And that pressure sort of makes it hard to even see how I feel about options. They’re all fraught. And the monsters are louder if the stakes are higher.

I guess what it comes down to is that I don’t have enough of a support network. Hubby is lovely, but not much for the emotional soothing, especially if the ‘issue’ is something that involves him as well. Friends are lovely, but I have a hard time being vulnerable with them. Family are lovely, but don’t get me at all. Peeps on the internet are lovely, and give wonderfully soothing comments, and they get me, and I dare to be vulnerable with them, but I can’t call them over to help me dig out this damn tree from my garden. And I don’t know where to start changing that.

I asked Maartje if I could share her words with you in this article, and she graciously agreed.

Here is my reply. And if you see some of yourself in what Maartje wrote, I hope this helps you find wholeheartedness in your life as well.

“I can’t solve the problem”

Removing the creepy tree is GREAT, but I don’t have the money to hire someone nor the stamina to do it myself nor the circle of friends to help me out

Is wholeheartedness available even here? What if instead of “I don’t have the money to hire someone,” you could look at it as “I’m choosing to spend that money on other things that are more important to me.” Is that true for you? If so, how would it feel if you chose to look at it that way instead?

Same for stamina. If you wanted to have enough stamina to uproot that tree yourself, if your only goal in life were to build up your stamina – could you do it? If yes, then you’re making a choice. You’re prioritizing other things over building your stamina. And that’s a perfectly valid choice. More importantly, it’s your choice.

And if it’s not possible for you to reach that level of stamina even if you devoted 100% of your life to it, then it’s time to ask yourself a different question: “Can I accept myself as I am? Can I love myself as I am?” If you ask yourself that question and your brain says no, don’t worry. Your heart will always say yes, and if you keep asking the question, you will eventually drill down to the yes. I promise.

Same for friends. If your only goal in life were to create strong friendships you could lean into, where you could ask your friends for help uprooting this gnarly tree, could you do it? If yes, then it’s your choice to devote that time to building friendships or to choose to devote that time to other things instead.

If you don’t know how to accomplish these goals, then your first step is to figure out how to accomplish those goals. If you don’t know how to figure out how to accomplish those goals, then your first step is to figure out how to figure out how to accomplish those goals. And a good way to do that is to ask for help, and keep asking until you learn how to figure out how to figure out what you need to know. If you don’t know where to ask for help, try the Commons. We’ve got some really good people here, and it’s a safe space.

“I’m ashamed of the fact that it bothers me”

or the guts to even admit that this tree bothers me so much to some people, lest they think I’m a horrible person.

Kyeli has had more experience with this situation, so I asked her to chime in. Here’s what she has to say(2:35).

“I want two things but I can’t have them both”

And at least some of the time I’m stuck in the ‘I want THIS tree, only happy and healthy and non-haunted-housily gnarly!’ mode.

Ah, yes, it sounds like you’re story-stuck. That’s a difficult place to be, for sure.

Here’s Kyeli’s advice on what to do when you want two things but you can’t have both.

“I don’t have enough money to afford the wholehearted option”

Biggest thing is probably scarcity mindset, though – I need money to pay the bills AND I need money because my honey gets stressed out if we can’t build our savings. And that pressure sort of makes it hard to even see how I feel about options. They’re all fraught. And the monsters are louder if the stakes are higher.

What if you could come up with a wholehearted budget? What if you could make these tough prioritization decisions once (or once a month, or once a year) and then trust them, instead of stressing out about them all the time? What if you could create a budget you could make peace with and feel wholehearted about?

Begin with acceptance for what truly is. Right now, this is your income. Right now, these are your fixed expenses. Right now, these are your variable expenses.

Next, move into prioritization. Sit down with your honey and say, “Here are the things that are important to me. Here are the things that are important to you. I care about you and want you to have what you want and need. You care about me and want me to have what I want and need. We’re on the same team. Here are the things I’m willing to let go of – at least for now. Here are the things you’re willing to let go of – at least for now. I’d rather make peace with letting go right now – once – than feel scarcity every day.”

If you still feel stuck in scarcity, like there’s not enough, then return to step 1, and begin again with acceptance for what truly is. If it helps to create a plan to be working toward more money in the future, then do that, but make sure it’s a plan that allows you to enjoy the journey, and not an “I won’t be happy until the future” plan.

Last, come up with a system that works for you and helps you stick to the budget without having to stress out about it every day – a system you can trust and lean into. Then trust it and lean into it wholeheartedly.

“I don’t have enough of a support network”

I guess what it comes down to is that I don’t have enough of a support network. Hubby is lovely, but not much for the emotional soothing, especially if the ‘issue’ is something that involves him as well. Friends are lovely, but I have a hard time being vulnerable with them. Family are lovely, but don’t get me at all. Peeps on the internet are lovely, and give wonderfully soothing comments, and they get me, and I dare to be vulnerable with them, but I can’t call them over to help me dig out this damn tree from my garden. And I don’t know where to start changing that.

The place to start changing that is figuring out how to start changing that – which you’re doing right now. You’re asking. You’re being vulnerable. The first step is the most important step. Congratulations!

Could your internet friends help you with figuring out what to do? Could they help you with accountability, to make sure you don’t get overwhelmed and fall into avoidance? Could they help you by actually coming over and digging out the tree? Or by video Skyping with you to help you through it? You are creative and resourceful, and so are your friends.

Once you dedicate yourself to this process, and decide that when you encounter an obstacle, you’ll figure out a way around it (and if you can’t figure out a way around it, you’ll ask for help figuring out how to figure out a way around it) then success becomes just a matter of time. And that makes everything feel so much lighter.

Wholeheartedness isn’t magical fairy dust that some people have sprinkled on them and some don’t. It’s a skill that you can learn and practice. As you learn, you’ll sometimes fail. That’s natural, and part of the learning process. Have compassion for yourself, and you’ll feel wholehearted about not feeling wholehearted. (:

Learning wholeheartedness is hard work, but it’s work worth doing. It’s the not-so-secret ingredient to living a wild, crazy, meaningful life.